Okay so I know it has been a long time and I really knew that is how it would happen however I still do not know how to post anything cutsie on here and I really can't figure out why I am doing it . but I guess today I really need an outlet and I very much hate to be negative where everyone else can see it but here. it's just plain ole me and I needed to think about how I have been feeling
Did you ever feel like you made a choice in your life that may have not been the right choice? Did you ever feel like you did it possibly to protect someone else? and in the process quite possibly missed out on blessings that either should've or could've been yours? well that is how I have been feeling lately and I guess it has been a little more then lately, maybe that is why this whole blog thing started.
Over the past year or so I realized so many of the things that were being presented to me that I never new where out there let alone even options, and as I pondered these things I realized I hurt someone that I deeply cared about, and still do to this day,badly. I have never claimed that I was the nicest person out there but until recently I didn't realize the pain I caused my dear friend. We have obviously gone our seperate ways and have new very differnt lives, mine being very different and quite frankly much more difficult then I had ever imagined. Don't get me wrong, I have the most beautiful family that one could ever ask for and I realize that being nearly 35 and pregnant brings on several more emotions then normal, but I can't help but look back and think of the what if's
Chris absolutely hates that I am a what ifer but I can't help it, there are so many different paths I could have taken, And unfortunatly they were not all the right paths I knew it as I travelled it and I know it now, the past still haunts me to this day however many years ago and how ever hard I try to forgive myself for taking the road unfortunatly more travelled I knew better, Ihave always known better and now here I am today sitting at my computer contemplating what I could have done to make it different realizing I have NEVER spoken to anyone about these feelings. I think them constantly and I realize I have no one to open up to about them. they are feeling that I have tried to put away and quite honestly hide and now here I am typing them on a computer which I am sure no one will ever see but me but they are out there for the universe to find and critique. I refuse to go into any detail or even elaborate on the person I am talking about but it really has been on my mind, in my thoughts and un fortunatly in my dreams a lot. the damage that has been done has been done and is surely not even on the mind of my old friend so many years later, I wish however that I could somehow turn back the hands of time and make it right, I don't know what it would change in either of our lives or the lives of those that we now know I just wish I could change the feelings that may have been there as everything went down. Maybe mostly for selfish reasons so I can stop thinking about it and move on. Anyway to you out there I offer the most sincere apology that I know how, from my heart to yours and maybe one day I will be able to explain the actions that I took as I was not worthy of you or the friendship you always offered! I am so sorry for the betrayl you must have felt but I am happy to see the opsitive things in your life. I hope they are real and I sincerly hope you my friend are truly happy!!!